Friday, April 1, 2016

This Is How You Remind Me


It's no secret at this point that I'm a HUGE FAN of HEAVY METAL PUNK ROCK GOTH MUSIC! So I figured why not do a TransCat tribute to the most hardcorest band out there? I am of course, talking about NICKELBACK! Never before has a band so perfectly encapsulated my innermost emotions, and so eloquently captured my rage and pain and splattered it on the canvas in brilliant paint strokes of earsplitting thrash and chest rumbling bass. God damn this band kicks so much ass! Not only that, but they were an integral part of my childhood, and basically, thought listening to them, I was able to find my own identity in a world that I felt like I was lost in.

It all started one day when I was chilling at home, listening to a local underground hardcore radio station (106.7 KROQ BABY!!! WOOOOO!!! KROQ TILL I DIIEEE!!!!) and they were having some sort of contest, comparing new tracks that had recently come out. They'd play two songs back to back, and listeners would call in and vote on which ones they liked better. This was back in 2001, so no one had even HEARD of Nickelback yet! That's why they were being played on such an underground station, but when i heard those first few notes of "How You Remind Me" I knew I was falling in love for the first, and probably last time.

I don't remember it too well, because I think listening to the song sent me into some kind of euphoric, bliss filled catatonic state that I didn't snap out of until the song was over. I emerged a changed person. nothing would ever be the same again!
But then, as if to punctuate the glee high I was still coming down off of, the contender track came on! That piece of garbage song "Chop Suey" from that group of no-talent HACKS "System of a Down". I hesitate to even call them a "band" since all they do is bang on instruments and yell curse words. It was UNBEARABLE!!! UGH!!!!!!!!!! Every note was like a stab to the brain!

THEN! The moment of truth came! As the ear-poison faded from the airwaves, the DJ announced that it was time to vote! I KNEW the lines would be totally clogged because of all the voters who were eager to elevate this fresh faced new band to their deserved rank as "Punk Rock Kings" so I nabbed the cordless phone from the kitchen as fast as I could, disconnected from the internet, and dialed the hotline. I shivered with anticipation as the line rang.

I have to say, I sat in utter shock as I waited for someone to pick up the line, as I heard caller after caller phone in and vote for that horrific cacophony "Chop Suey" as the so-called "best track". Whatever man, what a bunch of sheep! Mindlessly consuming whatever's popular. Not like me, though! *I* was the free thinker, who DARED to speak the truth about how EFFING GREAT Nickelback was! The problem was these sheeple weren't even willing to give something new a chance. System of a Down had been putting out garbage since the 90's and these people had just grown "ACCUSTOMED" to it, so they were HANGRY FOR MORE! But when confronted by something NEW and ORIGINAL and FREAKING GROUND BREAKING like "How You Remind Me" they were stunned into stupefied silence. Instead of admitting to themselves that their minds were just blown, they became offended that their carefully placed values were being shaken up and challenged in such a way! So they lashed out! All while they clung viciously to the garbage music of their youth!

As i sat and lamented this sad, sad state of affairs, I realized that the line I was on had finally been picked up. The DJ's voice on the other end saying "you're on, caller, could you please turn down your radio?"
"Oh, apologies" I said as I switched off the radio, knowing the delayed feedback being picked up by my phone's receiver would serve only to confuse the listening audience.
"So" replied the DJ "Which track are you voting for? As if it's much of a contest at this point!" he chuckled smugly to himself, so sure that the trash he allowed to be played on air was going to win this contest.
At that moment, I summoned all my strength and power, and shouted into the phone as loudly as I could...

"NICKELBACK IS THE BEST BAND IN THIS WORLD AND IF YOU DON'T AGREE THEN YOUR LIFE IS WORTHLESS AND YOUR OPINIONS MEAN NOTHING! HATERS BACK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111"

A shock wave rippled through town as my proclamation traveled across the airwaves.
Phone lines shook, windows shattered, the very Earth beneath our feet trembled at the unmitigated power of the truth I dared to speak. It took a few moments for the intensity of what I had said to die down before I heard the DJ's reply.

"Okay, so that's one vote of Nickelback, and nineteen for System of a Down! Looks like Chop suey is moving on to the next round!"

I was devastated! Crushed! But even then, at my most desperate moment, I somehow knew my fight wasn't over.

I went to bed that night suffering in silence. I wasn't sure how i was going to face the world the next day, knowing that my new reason for living had been voted INFERIOR to a band I hated in a local radio call-in contest! But then, it happened!
A brilliant white light shone through my bedroom window and the sound of an enormous Rock-n-Roll engine revving up, disturbing demons from their slumber! I looked out my window, wondering what all the noise was about, and then I SAW IT!

NICKELBACK WAS THERE! Flying in a massive U.F.O. shaped like a Flying V guitar! Hovering outside my window!

Chad Kroger (The lead singer of the band, and heir to the mighty Kroger Supermarket fortune) walked across a platform that extended to my windowsill. I opened the screen and Chad knelt down to me.
"I heard what you said about us on the radio. We think you have what it takes!" He said, in his deep Canadian twang.
"What do you mean?" I said, nervously.
"You are going to help us spread the word of who much we rock! we are going on an intergalactic rock-n-roll tour and we need YOU to be our promoter!"
"I'M YER CAT!" I shouted excitedly!
Chad smiled. "I knew we could count on you, TransCat! But before we leave, there is one more task we need your help?"
"What do you need?" I asked.
"We need you to help us DESTROY THE ENEMIES OF NICKELBACK!!!"
It was then I knew I had found my calling! I eagerly agreed, and off we went on our rampage of mayhem and chaos! Those who would besmirch the name of the best band in the universe found that they had nowhere to run! Their blood flowed in the streets! Their women lamented them and wept! Their children were taken and taught how to love music THE RIGHT WAY! None were safe from our wrath, and the world was a better place because of it!

Now it's 15 years later, and I still keep up the fight! Nickelback has gone on to release several dozen multi-platinum selling albums. The musical landscape continues to change and grow at the whim of their influence. And where is System of a down after all this, you may ask?
Yeah, they're gone!
They knew they couldn't compete with artistic powerhouses like Nickelback, so they gave up the ship after releasing a measly five records that no one listens to or remembers. Hey guys, maybe next time learn how to play your instruments, right??

Anyway... Happy April Fool's Day!

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