Saturday, November 2, 2013
Brilliant Black Starres: Preview Issue Pages 21 and 22
I took this weird online music quiz awhile ago, the basic premise was they gave you this big huge list of popular artists, and you pick which ones you like, and that supposedly said something about the kind of lover you were. I could tell that whoever wrote the test was having a really fun time with it, and after awhile it seemed less and less about what kind of lover you were and more about what kinda person you were.
I looked for Green Day, one of my favourite bands when I was growing up. It said something about me that at first I didn't think was true. It said "You get upset over nothing all the time, but bounce back quickly."
I don't think I get upset at "nothing", for starters. Okay, well maybe sometimes I do, but often times, when I am upset, it's for a pretty good reason. Or at least... I think it's a good reason.
Second off, I have a really bad habit of holding onto my sadness, for reasons I can't really fathom. I get depressed, I stay depressed, for awhile. It kinda sucks.
Or at least that's how it used to be.
I found out something really interesting about myself in the past couple weeks that must have been such a gradual change, I never even noticed it was happening until I got to where I am today. I really don't do that anymore. This whole business with J from last time would had had me mopey and whiney and depressed for months if if had happened 5 years ago. But here we are in 2013, I lose one of my life-long friends and the next week I'm not so much depressed as I am just sort of indignant. A month later and I barely even think about it anymore. It's funny how aging can affect how differently you experience things like anger, loss, betrayal and holding a grudge.
Case in point. Related, kinda... but not really.
Around the same time I knew J, I had this outrageously into this girl who I'll call A.We hung out all the goddamn time throughout junior and senior year and were at the least affectionate and physically friendly, but that was all. We were good kids back then, well... "good" kids, you know. Besides, I was a nervous little fucker then and had NO idea what to do about a girl I crushed on so hard :P
But I was happy just to be with her back then, and I just imagined that the relationship would evolve as it would as we spent more time together.
But then something happened, there was some other guy she knew, and I became paranoid because I realized was now competing with someone who had access to drugs and alcohol, while little old straight edge Knave who didn't even WANT access to those things. She, on the other hand, did, and it did not take long for a rift to grow in between us. Suddenly I was not content with just letting the relationship grow as it would, because "as it would" probably meant I was gonna lose her.
I had to do... something, but who the heck knew what I could do?
I wanted to ask her out for Valentines day, and in doing so maybe forge something a little bit more solid. Maybe that was all we needed.
I asked her at school one day, and she agreed... but over the next several days I noticed I was seeing less and less of her at school altogether. But the big day was finally here, and I was nervous and shit, but ready as I'd ever be! I got myself dressed nice and called up her cell phone, she answered, sounding very groggy and scratchy. She confessed to me that she hadn't been feeling well (which accounted for why I wasn't seeing her at school) and she just wasn't feeling up to going out.
I was crushed, to say the least, because I was really looking forward to this evening being special. But what could I do? I wasn't gonna be special with a sick date. So I wished her a speedy recovery and hung up the phone. I moped around the house for awhile, when my mom came up with the suggestion to surprise her at home with maybe a nice bowl of soup and some flowers or something sweet and romantic like that. It wasn't too late to make the night special! So I set to work making a nice veggie soup which would hopefully help ease her sore throat a little. I called up her house, hoping to get her mom, in order to ask if she'd gone to bed yet.
Her mom did answer, but she gave me a terribly shocking answer. She had left with another guy about 30 minutes ago. I knew exactly which guy it was.
To say I was fucking devastated would be putting it lightly. I don't believe I stopped crying until I fell asleep.
She wasn't at school the next day, or the next. Phone calls went unanswered and emails went unreturned. But I kept trying, because I felt like if we could just talk this out, we could get back on track. Earlier in the year we had entertained the notion of moving away to Chicago together after we graduated, and that was all I really wanted in the world, to be with her.
But the longer I went without hearing from her, the less and less that seemed like it was gonna happen. I really felt like she had made a specific choice, drugs and booze over me, and I slowly made the transition from being devastated to being pissed.
I sent her one last email, something more than just "Hey, call me, I miss you", this was a long manifesto of my feelings, and it served as a very poignant bookend to our relationship. Or at least so I thought, because my email unleashed a very angry tirade from her, and she unleashed pretty much her true feelings about me in a barrage of insults that would have made Shakespeare blush. I wanted to retaliate, but I knew it would only make me feel worse. The last thing I think I said to her was "I never want to see you again." and then she was gone. Out of my life. Over time being pissed slowly turned into me hating her guts. It was a grudge that I held... for nearly ten years. I even turned my NEXT girlfriend against her, and they never even met. It would be a grudge that would go one to shape how I viewed relationships from that point on... and sadly, not in a good way at all.
Flash forward to a few years ago. A finds me on Facebook. Very nonchalantly reintroduces herself, a very casual kinda "long time no see" kinda affair. I... did not know if i wanted to reply, for some reason I was still so mad at her... but I got over myself and welcomed her into my friends list.
It took me awhile to broach the subject of ... what happened to us. To my shock, and somewhat annoyance, she didn't even really remember the incident that clearly. I spent the past decade agonizing over the details, all she knew was that she had hurt me, and she was coming to me wanting to make peace. I had changed a lot over the years, and made up my mind that holding a grudge for the rest of my life wasn't something I wanted incorporated into this new version of myself.
So we talked, we buried hatchets, we caught up, it was nice.
Rewind to a few weeks ago. She puts a message out there on the Facey-books saying she was coming back into town. In the decade we'd been out of touch, she had found her way into another state. But she was coming back, and we hadn't seen one anther face to face in pretty much all that time. It was time for that to end. So we made plans to get together. There was a little trepidation in my decision, but in the end, it was a decision I'm glad I made.
It seemed to me as if we picked up exactly from where we left off. As if our ugly past hadn't even occurred. It felt... so incredibly good.
We got together 4 times over the course of her being here, and it was amazing each time. In the end I had to see her off to her hometown and the new life she was building for herself up there. But I'm glad we got the chance to be together again, and re-assert our friendship.
More than anything, I find it so hilarious that someone I hated for so long has come back and we're friends again like nothing ever happened... while someone who I was so close with for such a long time now wants nothing to do with me.
and just like Green Day... I've bounced right back!
What a difference a decade makes, huh?
I'm so grateful for everything that's happened, good and bad.
This will all make for some really interesting storytelling in TransCat ;-)